Twenty-eight old Sandra is a pretty, successful young professional who is in relationship with a 48-year old handsome, suave, successful attorney who had told her he was divorced. He wasn’t.
She forgave him believing his story that he was “emotionally “divorced (but he still lived with his wife and she had no knowledge they were “emotionally divorced”) Later, Sandra left him after he physically abused her. Two weeks later he took another woman on vacation with him and his children; they bought property together. He then decided to dump this woman. Next, he literally cried and begged Sandra to return to him. She did. Sandra now feels angry and questions why. After all, she laments, “he has been so good in the last couple of weeks.”
Sandra has a perfect right to feel angry feelings - without guilt - because she is in the grips of a sociopath person.
What is a sociopath?
We normally think of a “sociopath” as a criminal who often winds up in prison. But, according to Dr Marla Stout who wrote “The Sociopath Next Door,” sociopaths are often non-criminals who at first glance appear normal and well-functioning.
In or out of the criminal justice system, the sociopath: * Has little or no conscience; no ability to feel real shame, guilt or remorse.
* Has a kind of glow or charisma that makes them more charming or interesting than other people around them. They often are more spontaneous, more intense, complex or even sexier than everyone around them.
Fundamentally, sociopaths are different because they cannot love. Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they are indifferent to others’ suffering. They lack normal empathy feelings toward others.
They often live to dominate and thrill to win.
If you are in relationship with a person like this, your number one challenge is to protect yourself from them.
Five Survival Tips
The following tips are based on recommendations by Dr. Stout, as well as our experience with anger management students in the grips of such a person:
Tip #1 Accept Bitter Pill
The first tip involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people do not often look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender. They look like us. Sandra’s boyfriend is a pillar of the community with an excellent professional reputation.
Tip #2 - Practice Rule of Three
When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.
* One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead.
* Two may involve a serious mistake.
* But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.
Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
Tip #3 - Suspect Flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect flattery. Tip #4-do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath’s tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him.
In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.
Tip #5 - Avoid Contact
The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication. This is not easy as sociopaths tend to turn things around and make you feel guilty, shameful, or inadequate. Often this makes you want to try even harder to please them and get their approval. To keep a straight head-and resist temptation- it is best to avoid them completely.
2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
